I sent the following e-mail to the mother of my very first nephew or niece, who is due in July. Apologies go out to people named Richard, Sylvio/a, Harold, Lucy, Alfonso, or Alceme and anyone else who may lack a sense of humor.
With the start of the next generation of our families just months away, I thought I would put together a helpful guide to find a proper name for your new little bundle of joy...
The Pelletier formula for finding a name is as follows...
1.) Make it simple. My mom (bless her soul) wanted single-syllable names, like Steven or Brian. Ones that couldn't easily be turned into nick names which she saw as inferior versions of actual names (see Steve or Bri).
2.) Look to the past to avoid errors of the future. My mom's brother was named Richard, some people called him "Richie" others called him "Dick". If you name a child Richard, you might as well name him Ass-face because no matter how nice and cute he is people will be thinking "Dick" in the back of their heads.
3.) A name that brings balance with it. My dad's brother was named Sylvio after my Grandfather, they were notorious for two things drinking and smoking. My Dad's sister was named Sylvia, she was a nun who never touched "the sauce" or smoked a cigarette in her entire life. So unless you want your child to be at one extreme or the other stay away from Sylvia/o.
4.) There's no place like home. My mom's name was Dorothy. My grandmother's (her mom's) name was Dorothy. If you had a girl Dorothy might make a fine 1st or middle name. Also the names Tin Man, Scare Crow, and Cowardly Lion do not run in our family, but traditions must start somewhere.
5.) J's that won't fill you up and never let you down. Joseph and Joel are names that have run in our family for centuries (I think that's how old my dad is anyway). His name is Joel, that's also Steven's middle name. Joseph is from my mom's side of the family her dad and oldest brother shared the name and it is my middle name. I say throw everyone for a loop and go with just Joe.
6.) To hell with Harold. We have a cousin named Harold, my mom's uncle was also named Harold. They are both referred to as Harry. It may be cute as a child (see Potter), but as an adult it is downright creepy (see the latest episode of Law and Order).
7.) Lucy is a cousin of ours. I think she tends bars in Portland. Lucy is a terrible girls' name because once she hits puberty and the kids start calling her "loose". If however, Lucy is short for Lucifer, it instantly becomes bad-ass! Buy her a motorcycle and get her a tatoo the day she is born if you go with that one.
8.) My mother's maiden name is Jordan. That might make a really cool name for a boy or a girl. If you choose this name, please don't use the names Varney and Pelletier as a first or middle name as a child with 3 last names will bring about the apocalypse. I think I saw that in a movie one time.
9.) An F for using A's. Alfonso and Alceme (pronounced Al-seem) were names that ran in the Pelletier family generations back and then suddenly and mysteriously they disappeared. I gotta say I'm glad my forefathers put the cement boots on those 2 names.
10.) Brian is best. I know Brian and Brianna are really your top 2 choices. What you might not know is that my name is trademarked so every time the child signs its name it will have to pay me a royalty fee. That could get expensive unless I agree to let you use my name. The good news is I will let you use Brian or Brianna if you make "is the best uncle ever" your child's middle name.
Monday, January 3, 2011
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